i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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