Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
