does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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