Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
