you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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