I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
