i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
