i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
