dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
