i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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