and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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