My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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