that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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