My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
