Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
