So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize