So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
