Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Still dying that you shit outside
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
