I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
