I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I lost the right to judge tonight
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
