i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
