You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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