I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
