she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize