Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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