he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
