She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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