What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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