my vag is so smooth its legendary
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
