She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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