This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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