I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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