My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
