Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
