every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
