You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
