I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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