You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize