At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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