I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
