I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
