The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
