I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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