I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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