you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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