Buhtt sex?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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