would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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