just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
