I feel like abortions should bother me more
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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