I puked a lego.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
