im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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