u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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