I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
