i think i have two assholes
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize