She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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