we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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