I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
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