Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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