Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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