My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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