drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
