A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
