i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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