she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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