he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I want to fling myself into the sun
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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