Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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