Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
