My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
